Created to create

My flesh wants to be known so badly.  My pride seeks attention, and my insecurities struggle to hide my flaws. I want people to know me, to love me, and to want to be around me. I want to perform, and I want people to watch. I want to write, and to be good at it. I want to create. I want to craft creations that make people feel. I want my creations to be special, and I want to be a favorite. I want to be unique. To be different. I want to speak, to be heard, and to be loved by all.

My flesh is incredibly prideful. So prideful, I’m embarrassed.

God has given me, like everyone else, talents. I know of some of my talents, but I often find myself using them for myself, rather than for the glory of God. I am selfish. I am human. I am a sinner. I want the glory. 

When I first started writing, I was afraid to share my work with anyone. Vulnerability is a fear of mine, and sharing my thoughts was one of the most vulnerable things I could do. Several years later, I have become more open with my writing. I share quite a lot of my work, and I easily accept criticism. I have came a long way, but I have even longer to go.

Success is everything. At least, that’s what the worlds telling me. When I write, I want the credit. I guess I have forgotten, everything I have created, has been inspired by a creation of some sort. Nothing I create is an original. It was all God inspired. Every piece.

My prayer is that I will stop being so prideful. That I will allow God to speak through me, and that I would rejoice when he does. I need to be using every opportunity to be a platform for Him. I write for Him. I speak for Him. I create for Him.

    “He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30

I understand now

    I used to fall asleep to the sound of a keyboard.
Not the kind that plays music.
The kind that writes words.
    I used to climb trees with my brother.
We’d take off our shoes.
Sometimes a branch would break.
    I used to twirl my hair.
It was so blonde it was white.
My eyes were the color of the sky.
    I used to sit in my dads lap.
We would talk about my dreams.
He would try to make them happen.
    I used to ride my bike everywhere.
I sang the words that came to my mouth.
Sometimes I cried.
    I used to write C.S. Lewis fan fiction.
There were always talking animals.
And always great big castles.
I used to tell my friend, “Be brave.”
I used to tell my mom, “It will be okay.”
I used to hate taking naps.
What a waste of time!
I always hated going to bed while the sun was still awake.
I used t.

I used to be seven years old.
                       I am not anymore.
I still love to write.
And
Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I’ll fall asleep to the sound of the keyboard.
The kind that writes words.
I still love to explore.
Sometimes I ride my bike.
I still dream, I hope they come true.
But I understand now.
The world wants you to be
Something.
Someone.
But make sure you’re good at It.
Walk a certain way.
Talk a certain way.
     Dream a certain way.
All I know is,
I’ve cried too many tears
Because I’m forgetting who I was
Before The world told me who to be.

Spoken word poetry is music to my ears. I will often listen to a piece on repeat, in the background, while working. This spoken word piece by Jefferson Bethke, has been stuck in my head for a while now. Please listen to it! I hope it makes you feel something.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZHRpi4z7zk

7 things I have learned from my mum

1. A great work ethic and people skills are what will take you places in life.
 Although I'm a good student, I have never been as academically gifted as my Mom. Thankfully, she has convinced me that I don't need to be a straight A student to succeed in life. I am more than my GPA.

2. Meeting new people is fun.
My Mom purposely sits by strangers on an airplane just so she can talk to them. Although this is sometimes obnoxious, I have inherited her "talk to anyone" skill, and I am thankful for that.

3.Read Read Read Read Read Read Read Read Read Read Read.
I'm a fiction lover. My Mom is not. In fact, she couldn't even finish the first Harry potter book (*gasp* who does she even think she is?). But she is always learning by reading books of all different kinds. What does birth order affect? My Mom knows. What are the love languages? My Mom knows. What plants can you eat? My Mom knows.

4.Don't put God in a box.
My favorite thing about my Mom is that she always allows me to dream. If money is an issue, still dream. If the dream is ridiculously unrealistic, still dream.  Having someone like me as a daughter, allowing me to dream could be dangerous, but that has never stopped her for encouraging me to have an intense passion for life.

5. Shoes are lame.
If you know us, you know what I mean. bare feet is the way to go.

6. If you try to do too much at once, you will end up burning the food. (a lesson it has taken her 39 years and counting to learn...haha)
Why would anyone put butter in the microwave for 48 minutes?

7. Skipping school is only okay if 1. You're sick. or 2. It's a really nice day and you shouldn't be inside.
I blame my Mom for my love of the outdoors, but I am so thankful that she has allowed me to fall out of trees and get dirt under my nails.


Happy mothers day to the craziest person I know. You have to be pretty spectacular to have the ability to parent the Knittel kids. I love you to the moon and back. ♥
Love,
Em

March madness

I love reflecting on periods of time, and because I have some free time, I decided to write down some things  I learned this march. It sure has been an extremely eventful month!

I have a ridiculous amount of supportive friends and it is so great. 
In the month of March, I made some pretty big decisions and I had wonderful friends who loved, supported and enjoyed the moments with me. I am one blessed cookie.

Online classes don't do themselves. 
This is just a warning for all you procrastinators out there. Putting off your online homework leads to late nights and early mornings.

"We meet no ordinary people in our lives"-C.S Lewis.
I dare you to name one "ordinary" person you know.

You can get a sunburn while snowboarding.
It's true. When you're out snowboarding for 6+ hours, while the sun is shining, you will get burnt. It happened to me. I am glad I got burnt because my freckles came out extra early this year. ♥

You are always going to be weaker than the ocean. Always. 
Visiting Daytona beach over spring break reminded me how weak I truly am. The ocean always reminds me of how powerful God's love is and how beautiful his creations are. What a blessing the school-free week was.

If your team is stacked, it doesn't guarantee a state championship.
This one hurts. My dream of a state championship never happened. The whole team must want it in order to succeed. So many memories with my high school basketball team.

I can sleep on a cement floor for five nights in a row.  
I know this because I had to do it for senior survivor at my school. The sleeping wasn't the best, but many good stories came from the experience.

When in the south, my mom will slowly start talking with a southern accent. 
This happened on vacation. If I'm being honest, I was annoyed, but it was also really funny.

The stars are still pretty in march. 
This march I really enjoyed wrapping up in a blanket to stare at the stars. Although I'm missing some of my favorite star gazing friends, I still could really feel God's love and that was worth the chilly weather.

I am ridiculously spontaneous
Okay, I think I knew this, but I laughed about it after I spontaneously committed to play college basketball. I mean, I'm even spontaneous with big decisions. This could be a bad thing.

in love

"You just don't understand because you've never been in love."
I smiled
gently laughed
and walked away
    That is a lie
I know what it's like to be in love
I am in love
I am in love with
the way the sun beautifully sets 
and the way it always rises.
I am in love with Sunday afternoons
and the way my cousins giggle when I chase them.
I am in love with
singing birds and dancing to loud music
I am in love with
 the many constellations in the sky
crafted by The Creator
I am in love with
beautiful cathedrals
and cultures
and communities
I am in love with
adventure
adrenaline
and sassy attitudes
I am in love with magical moments like
long held eye contact
forehead kisses
and laughter that makes your stomach ache
I am in love with the ocean
with dreamers
and with passionate writers
I am in love with
exploring
I am in love with
getting lost
I am in love with
quality time
I am in love with
people
unique people
boring people
crazy people
obnoxious people
people
I am in love with the sunshine
and large bodies of water
I am in love with freedom
I am in love with places I've been
and places I'll go.
I am in love with
moments
and memories
and the mysteries of life
I am in love with the past
I am in love with the future
I could go on
but
my point is
I have always been in love
I've just never been in love
with a boy.

Nobody

Four years flew by quickly. Too quickly. Being a Ballard Bomber basketball player is one of the best things in the world. I played for the best program in the state, with the best coaches in the state, and with some of the most competitive girls in the state. Every single moment was a blast.

After the sad loss of my last basketball game ever wearing a (beautiful) Ballard jersey, I was brought into the media room, and asked questions by different reporters. In the corner of a crowded room, a tall reporter asked me to "reflect on my last four years" Naturally, I started crying while trying to put my many thoughts to words. I failed, and I'm pretty sure it sounded like, "It'sbeenreallyfun *Sobs* Iloveballard *sobs even more* greatcoaches *wipes snot from face* Somanymemories" Now, after having almost twelve hours to reflect on my last four years, I have been able organize my thoughts a little more (I think).

For four years, I wore a label that read Basketball player. If I had a bad game, I would have a bad day. If I felt like I wasn't as talented as another player, I would start telling myself I was worthless, and lets be honest, no one likes you if you're not successful, right? On the other hand, If I had a really good game, I would start feeling prideful. If students and teachers congratulated me in the hallways, I would feel special and important. I defined myself by how good of a basketball player I was, and I carried it on my shoulders for too long.  Four years too long.

Thankfully, my beautifully graceful God, pursued me (and continues to) throughout high school. Through the laughter and tears of Ballard basketball, God promised me I was more than just a basketball player. When the bell rang, and my dreams crashed, he said, "You are more than a basketball player. You are mine and I love you. I always will."

Of course I cried, bawled actually. I broke my favorite water bottle on the wall in the locker room and refused to pick up the pieces.  I loved every minute of being a Bomber, with teammates I love so much.

Nobody on three, is what we say after coming out of every huddle.  Nobody is a saying that stands for certain goals we set for every game. An example would be: Nobody out works us. When I said nobody for the last time it hit me. I am a nobody. I was never here to make a name for myself. I was here to make a name for Him.

Thank you, Jesus, for letting me be a part of something so great. I truly loved everything about it and I will cherish the beautiful memories forever.