Live

I’ve spent most of my life

trying to sketch perfectly my favorite climbing  tree

many pencils have seen their end in this process

I’ve failed

many

many

 times

the branches are never strong enough

and the leaves just don’t smell right on paper.. .     .       .         .. . 

            For the last four years

I’ve bled on paper

trying to recreate a summer that

happened over 800 days ago in some form of art.

but

The laughter just doesn't sound right

and I can never put the way the sun touched my soul down on paper.

Trust me

tears have been shed.

            There was this horse

who left me too soon

he was white and he glided when he ran

I didn’t have enough time to get to know him

Sometimes I called him Captain

occasionally his name was Winter

I had hoped he would have become a Galileo

  my heart is still pierced

and no poetry has come from that ache.

            And because I’m a writer,

I wonder why some stories are impossible to put on paper.   

            Maybe we’re not always supposed to capture memories in picture form.

            Maybe we’re not supposed to document every heart ache

            Maybe some moments we eventually forget.

            Maybe there are some things so enchanting only our hearts can remember

N.D. Wilson said, “Humans are not intended for data storage (though we have the capacity). We are intended for living, for moving through a story”

            A few summers ago

I was so busy living I barely had time to write.

I don’t remember that whole summer,

but I do have some really stellar stories from it.

            I haven’t ever documented the rhythm of my heart beat

or the volume of my laugh.

            I have never written down

exactly how the Wisconsin river felt in my hair

but my heart understands completely

            I can’t draw a picture of my favorite climbing tree

but sometimes my hands remember the texture

and my ears hear my brothers laugh.

            This Life Is Meant To Be Lived

And I hope I feel the poetry I can’t write.

            This life needs to be spent.

7 things I've learned in my first 7 weeks of college.

At least, I think I've been in school seven weeks. Honestly, the weeks just happen, and I don't keep track. I really don't care though. Counting is not really my thing, and I really like the number seven.

1. I have time to read again. I was ridiculously involved in high school, and I sacrificed my love for reading to participate in every other activity possible. I have a good amount of free time now, and have enjoyed a few new reads. Stephen Kings book, On Writing, is a book I've discovered, and I LOVE IT!

2. There are more people like me out in this world. This gets me all sorts of excited. I was starting to doubt that I'd ever find tree climbing, obnoxious laughing, extra competitive, spontaneous personalities in this world. Thankfully, I was wrong, and I'm enjoying the new adventures, with new friends.

3. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PARKING PASS DON'T PARK IN AMES! RIDE YOUR BIKE, HORSE, LONG BOARD, OR SCOOTER BUT DON'T YOU DARE PARK YOUR PRECIOUS CAR IN AMES YOU WILL GET A PARKING TICKET. I only know this from experience, and let's just say I didn't learn it the first time.

4. Sioux Falls, South Dakota is adorable. Labor day weekend, I took a road trip with a rad group of people to the city where one of my favorite people ( MARY RAES) attends college. I had a blast and a half, see you soon Margie ♥

5. My brothers hugs will always be my favorite. Perks of having a strong brother I guess. (don't let that get to your head, Dustin!)

6. If you're walking across a creek at Ledges, don't put your iphone in your shirt front pocket. It may jump out,  float down the stream, and never be found again. Let's just say Sam learned this the hard way. ;)

7. He is a good, good Father. My walk with Christ has been an adventure in college. I think I've learned more from Him than I have from all my teachers (not complaining). I'm excited to fall more in love with Him.

High school

I’m at a new home, with new teachers, teammates, and friends. The hallways I walk everyday are not familiar, and only a handful of people know my name. I’m not lonely, yet. I know I will be, though. It’s windy today, and this afternoon smells like cross country season. The evening  feels like football season. I think of high school. The four years I spent on the swaggiest basketball court. I’m reminded of the memories I share with the girls who will be dominating this year without me. My mind wanders to the hallways I ran in, and the stairs I tripped up. Honestly, I miss the teachers, and their electric personalities. I miss the freshmen I became friends with,I miss talking to different lunch tables, and my spanish class. There are things about Ballard High I miss, but those were not the best days of my life. High school was wonderful, and I loved it, but better things are ahead. So I sit here, excited for my adventure, and because I miss you, I pray. I know people I love are going to get hurt this year. I know you all will be challenged emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. It makes me sad I don’t get to experience it with you, and because I can’t, I’m praying for you, all of you, right now.

Seniors, You’re about to take on a strange and beautiful year, filled with embarrassing and ridiculous moments. I beg you to love mondays, and to not give in to senioritis. I challenge you to be present in every situation, like you were meant to be there, and to be friends with all the freshies, and people below you. I hope you thank your teachers and coaches, and involve yourself in many activities. No, high school is not the best part of your life, but you should love it like it is going to be the best time in your life. I hope you easily embrace the process of the change that is about to occur in your life. Remember, some friends are for a lifetime, some are for high school. Always love your friends, but some you are going to have to let go. I pray you will be able to enjoy your last year, and I hope all the lasts you’re experiencing will turn into some of your most favorite memories.

Juniors, You’re almost there, but not really. I hope you’re not worrying about college. Advice: God already has a plan for your future. Stop worrying. Also, take advanced Bio for a good laugh, and take as many classes with Fletch as possible. but make sure you’re not lazy. Fletch hates lazy ;). Don’t procrastinate on dmacc classes. One all-nighter is fun, seven are not. Since I know your grade is cliquey, I want to challenge you to step out of your comfort zone, and become friends with people you probably wouldn’t. There is a danger in having a “squad”. When you only hang out with a certain group of people, you all accidently form the same opinions, and even thoughts on people. I hope this year you start seeing the world, people, and life through your own eyes. Or even better, through God’s eyes.

Sophomores, I love you all so much. When I was entering my senior year, I felt a conviction from God. To love you all, and to build relationships with you. When I was a freshman, my year was pretty terrible, until a senior girl befriended me. To be honest, getting to know you crazy kids has been such a blessing to me. You have added a joy to my life, and God has taught me a lot. I hope you all will discover deep friendships. I hope you spend more time counting the shooting stars you’ve seen in your life, than you spend partying with your “friends”. If Mr. Dovre is teaching a creative writing class, take it. You better love every minute you have class with Mrs. Jack. She has the best handwriting, and it makes note taking so easy.  I hope you 100% realize there is a Creator who loves you, and you follow him with all your heart.

Freshmen, I am actually really sad I don't get to welcome you into high school. I pray the transition goes smoothly, and you quickly feel comfortable in your new surroundings. If you’re wondering which extracurriculars you should go out for, i’ll help you: Cross country and speech competition. I regret not participating in both all four years. I hope you know you are always worth more than your gpa, athletic ability, and even more than what people say about you. I challenge you to be brave, and to talk to people who intimidate you. If you trip up the stairs, laugh. If you think you should wear makeup every day, don't. Do your homework and respect your teachers. Don’t believe the lies the upperclassmen will tell you. Always bring snacks to school. I hope you have a grand adventure! I’m excited to hear your stories, good luck!

And to all, I hope this year is a year filled with laughter, and turned in assignments. I know some of you are dreading school tomorrow, but I pray you will be excited for the new memories you’re going to make. It’s going to fly by so fast. I challenge you to all work hard this year. Whether it’s in school, sports, friendships, etc. I dare you to try new things, and meet new people. And I hope whatever emotion you’re feeling this year, whether it be happy, excited, sad, broken, etc, you feel it. Don’t go numb, feel it.

Don't forget Haiti

I just returned from Les Cayes Haiti for the second time in my life, and I'm extremely uneasy. I keep wondering what Youslie is up to today, or what is Geraldin laughing about today. I wonder what the stars will look like tonight, and if the boys played soccer today. I know one thing, I want to be back. I want to be there right now. But because I'm not, let me tell you about my trip, and I hope I inspire you to help make a difference in fourth world countries.

What did we do in Haiti? 
We spent a lot of time loving on orphans. Much of my time was spent sweating while playing soccer, making bracelets, jumping on the trampoline, dancing, laughing, and struggling through language barriers. I fell in love with the new boys orphanage and the energy they created. I also watched God work through some of my closest friends, and what a joy that brought to my heart. Last week, we fixed a few things here and there, visited a few villages, and played a lot of soccer, but mostly it was all about loving God, and His people.

What did I learn in Haiti?
This summer I have been attending (whenever my schedule allows) a Bible study led by a good friend of mine. In the study, we have been studying God and his character. Through the study, I have really been chewing on omnipresence. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. While in Haiti, we visited two church services and at both, they sang songs in Creole that we knew in English. We were worshipping the same God, in two different languages. It was such an awesome feeling. He is here, and He is there. He is omnipresent.

What was different this time?
Because this was my second trip to Haiti, I didn't think I was going to be surprised at all. Turns out, I was wrong! (but I'm never wrong?) This trip, God opened my eyes to the poverty, the hunger, and the homeless. We heard stories after stories about the seven-year-old boy who has to steal to provide food for his sisters, or about the kids that are so hungry they can't even eat when they have food. I saw the poverty on the streets and it broke my heart. Complaining about being hungry just seems so wrong now that I have seen the faces of kids who barely eat once every three days.

Thoughts.
I really believe that most people in first world countries are aware that orphans and widows and poverty and starvation are a thing. But do you know that a little boy named Jeff is homeless, and at the young age of seven he's providing for his sisters by stealing? Are first world countries aware that people leave babies in shoe boxes and that orphans all have a story. You see, I was aware of orphans and poverty before I went to Haiti, but now I know the faces, the stories and I know what it feels like to have an orphan boy hug you. I know how their hands fit into mine, and their unique personalities. I know Marvins likes to dance, Casandra likes to sing, and Ebenson likes to make people laugh. Now that I know their faces, they mean so much more to me.

It's safe to say I have left a little more of my heart in Haiti, and I can't wait to return. He is working, I dare you to help make a difference in the lives of the less fortunate.

Created to create

My flesh wants to be known so badly.  My pride seeks attention, and my insecurities struggle to hide my flaws. I want people to know me, to love me, and to want to be around me. I want to perform, and I want people to watch. I want to write, and to be good at it. I want to create. I want to craft creations that make people feel. I want my creations to be special, and I want to be a favorite. I want to be unique. To be different. I want to speak, to be heard, and to be loved by all.

My flesh is incredibly prideful. So prideful, I’m embarrassed.

God has given me, like everyone else, talents. I know of some of my talents, but I often find myself using them for myself, rather than for the glory of God. I am selfish. I am human. I am a sinner. I want the glory. 

When I first started writing, I was afraid to share my work with anyone. Vulnerability is a fear of mine, and sharing my thoughts was one of the most vulnerable things I could do. Several years later, I have become more open with my writing. I share quite a lot of my work, and I easily accept criticism. I have came a long way, but I have even longer to go.

Success is everything. At least, that’s what the worlds telling me. When I write, I want the credit. I guess I have forgotten, everything I have created, has been inspired by a creation of some sort. Nothing I create is an original. It was all God inspired. Every piece.

My prayer is that I will stop being so prideful. That I will allow God to speak through me, and that I would rejoice when he does. I need to be using every opportunity to be a platform for Him. I write for Him. I speak for Him. I create for Him.

    “He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30

I understand now

    I used to fall asleep to the sound of a keyboard.
Not the kind that plays music.
The kind that writes words.
    I used to climb trees with my brother.
We’d take off our shoes.
Sometimes a branch would break.
    I used to twirl my hair.
It was so blonde it was white.
My eyes were the color of the sky.
    I used to sit in my dads lap.
We would talk about my dreams.
He would try to make them happen.
    I used to ride my bike everywhere.
I sang the words that came to my mouth.
Sometimes I cried.
    I used to write C.S. Lewis fan fiction.
There were always talking animals.
And always great big castles.
I used to tell my friend, “Be brave.”
I used to tell my mom, “It will be okay.”
I used to hate taking naps.
What a waste of time!
I always hated going to bed while the sun was still awake.
I used t.

I used to be seven years old.
                       I am not anymore.
I still love to write.
And
Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I’ll fall asleep to the sound of the keyboard.
The kind that writes words.
I still love to explore.
Sometimes I ride my bike.
I still dream, I hope they come true.
But I understand now.
The world wants you to be
Something.
Someone.
But make sure you’re good at It.
Walk a certain way.
Talk a certain way.
     Dream a certain way.
All I know is,
I’ve cried too many tears
Because I’m forgetting who I was
Before The world told me who to be.

Spoken word poetry is music to my ears. I will often listen to a piece on repeat, in the background, while working. This spoken word piece by Jefferson Bethke, has been stuck in my head for a while now. Please listen to it! I hope it makes you feel something.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZHRpi4z7zk